Square Eyes

I'm watching the program on BBC2 about Val Doonican (who isn't?) and not only is there a very earnest man getting racially offended by the song 'Delaney's Donkey', but what's more, there was a brief clip of a three-man singing group called The Bachelors, who were so crap that I had to find out more about them.

Excellently, they had a very acrimonious split in the 80s, and the two camps now wear their absurd rancour proudly on their websites for us to enjoy.

Firstly, the two brothers Con and Dec (who incidentally claim to have met Robbie Williams's dad):

The Bachelors enjoyed great success through the seventies to mid eighties, but opinions within the group were conflicting. The choice was to continue or to update with modern ideas.

Founder members Con & Dec Cluskey, the progressive ones, dismissed John Stokes in 1984.

The successful result of this is now obvious, as Con & Dec "The Bachelors" are once again one of the top acts in the UK and in big demand for the top theatre and cabaret venues, appearing in Summer Season at the famous 'Opera House' in Blackpool, one of Gt. Britain's premier theatres.

Ooooh! Blackpool.

Well, clearly that John Stokes must have been a waste of space! But no, hang on a minute, let's hear what he has to say:

"The Bachelors" enjoyed great success through the sixties and seventies, but a decline in demand was noticeable going into the eighties and opinions within the group were conflicting as to why their popularity was on the wane. The choices were, to continue as they were, update the act with modern pop songs or present their songs in a more entertaining way. Sadly the opinion went for totally unsuitable new material...

The name "The Bachelors" which was vested in "The Bachelors Limited" remained with the company and in the control of John Stokes.

John Stokes however, was minded out of the kindness of his heart to allow Con and Dec to perform as "The New Bachelors" as he was aware that there was hardly any other way they could earn their living and with a summer season planned for Eastbourne for Bernard Delfont, who would not accept the act unless 'Bachelors' was included in the name. As far as it is known this was the last major summer season in the UK that an act with Bachelors in the name topped the bill.

Now I don't know what to think.

But that's not the end of the story for John, who was tempted back into showbiz and put a new incarnation of the Bachelors together:

John impressed upon Kevin and Jonathan that to really succeed, the act would have to be far better than the original. Their big break came through Duggie Chapman, the famous impresario and showbiz promoter, who was planning a nine week summer show at the North Pier, Blackpool.

At the end of the show when the crowds had gone, John stood on the stage of the famous North Pier Theatre, looked out into the empty auditorium and reflected that it was twelve years since the demise of The Bachelors in the high court in London.

At last, the phoenix has risen from the ashes.

Blimey.

Blimey indeed. Who could possibly have envisaged such a bitter outcome when they first set up their Cup A Soup empire all those years ago?

No, definitely one of the more acrimonious splits that, as you say. It is hilarious when the separate factions in such disputes all try and belittle each other while making themselves sound like the magnanimous party, viz:

John Stokes however, was minded out of the kindness of his heart to allow Con and Dec to perform as "The New Bachelors" as he was aware that there was hardly any other way they could earn their living

Ouch! The pompous berk even refers to himself in the third person! Hughesy would never contemplate such a thing!

Actually this all reminds me a bit of an old BBC2 documentary about the infamous Bucks Fizz wars, where David Van Day of Dollar somehow ended up pilfering the Bucks Fizz name for himself (after he'd briefly joined a 90s incarnation with founder member Bobby Gee, before the pair subsequently fell out) and then toured with a "Bucks Fizz" that contained precisely no members of the original group! Bobby Gee was understandably miffed at this as he felt it detracted from the Bucks Fizz that he himself was continuing to tour with! What a palaver!